Rainbow Baby

It rained on my wedding day.

I remember freaking out because I had always heard the wives tale "each raindrop is a tear you'll cry in your marriage." It couldn't rain. We were happy! It didn't rain long, but I remember my sister-in-law, Marianne saying something beautiful to me that day. Something to the effects of "After the rain, there comes a rainbow. And that's a symbol of God's promise. What a beautiful way to start your marriage." 

She probably doesn't even remember saying that. But I do. 

It's been two years since we lost our second baby. 

Last year, I didn't even acknowledge it. I had just had Ezra, and I was so preoccupied (and thankful) that I just let it pass. I feel guilty for not thinking of that baby as often as I should. I didn't have long to grieve it, because I was pregnant with Ezra so soon after.  

Don't get me wrong, I cried. And cried. And prayed. And cried. 

But then I had Ez. 

This year, I'm not sure what's different. Maybe life is a little slower ( doesn't feel like it)  but the past week has been hard for me. Which is probably why I'm blogging. I don't know why, but it's therapeutic. Probably because I will write things that I would never say. 

I've been writing this blog in my head since July 2nd, not knowing whether or not the publish button would ever be hit.  July 2nd came and my heart hurt. That's the day we found out I was pregnant.  Tobi announced the next day on Twitter (it was his birthday he can do what he wants) so I followed him. Uriah's cute little shirt popped up on my TimeHop app on the 3rd. "I am batman. Sidekick coming in March."

That sidekick never came. 

I've been wondering lately who that baby would have been.  Was it my girl I so wanted? Would it have had red hair too? 

I don't think I ever let myself go there.  I never really "what if"ed when it happened.. Here I am "what if"ing two years later. 

I guess everyone is different. 

I believe in God's divine timing. Like I said, this week has been difficult for me. I'm missing the baby I only knew for a few weeks inside me.  But, because God is good, I found out this week, this very hard week, that the baby conceived after a loss is called a rainbow baby.. 

A symbol of a promise.

My sweet Ezra. 

A promise from the only one who can heal a hurting heart. 

I haven't forgotten you.

And He still hasn't.

I'll never know here why my baby was taken. But I know God is good. And I know He keeps His promises. 

My Ezra couldn't be a better fit for us. He's been smiling his entire life, and anyone who has been around him will tell you how sweet he is. He knows when to crawl up and melt into my chest with a sweet cuddle. His laugh is contagious. He is tough enough to survive having Uriah as a brother. He thinks he is big, but not too big to give kisses on demand. 

He is my rainbow baby. 

A gift from God.

And he is so loved.

It rained on our wedding day and it's rained in our marriage. It will rain more , I am sure of it. 

But when it rains, we will look for our rainbow. For our sign that God isn't finished. For a sign he hasn't forgotten us. We will cling to our hope.  Hope in a God who is a consuming fire. Hope in a God who chases after us. Hope in a God who catches us when we fall, who binds up our wounds and who loves us. 

And we will thank Him. For who He is, and for what He's done. 

Warning: Images May Be Considered Graphic

Just kidding. This is about a stuffed turtle. 

I'm sure you all know of our unofficial third child, Ardo. If you don't, I don't know how you came across this blog... But I will be a good sport and explain it for you.

Uriah loves ninja turtles. Like, more than he loves his own mother. 

One day, about a year and a half ago, Riah spotted Ardo on a shelf at Target. Me, being the cheap mother that I am, let him ooh and ahh over it for a few minutes and then said "tell him bye" and we walked away. ( I'm very lucky that most of the time Uriah is content to say Bye and move along.. No fits. Most of the time.) 

Fast forward a few weeks and Riah got money from Tobi's grandmother and my Aunt for his second birthday.  We took him to Target, fought the urge to spend his money on diapers and let him pick out a toy. 

I don't even remember what he had in his hands when we walked by Ardo. He instantly changed his mind and I tried to talk Tobi and Riah out of it. (Tobi is just as bad as Uriah,  because he was just as obsessed as a little kid so he LOVES that Uriah is too.) 

"It is $20 for a stuffed turtle." 

They won. 

He has been Uriah's best friend ever since. 

Two weeks after he came home with us, he helped Riah adjust to being a big brother.

He went on a few family vacations.

He has to have medicine when he is sick.

He takes Selfies with Uriah.

And he even gets to sit at the table with us sometimes.

He is much thinner now, and Nana even had to sew his eyes back on last week. (Don't judge my lack of life skills) He's had a good run.

Now that you know who Ardo is and how he came about, I have to inform you.

He is dead.

Yesterday Tobi took Uriah to town and he came home with a new toy. ( Typical when they leave together)  That new toy was a nerf gun (ish) called the Power Popper.
And Uriah has been Power Poppin'  for the past 32 hours. Constantly.
This morning, while we were getting ready for church,  Riah came in and placed Ardo at the foot of our bed. He then unloaded ten rounds of nerf ammunition at his poor turtle.
He let out a "Got him! Shot him in the face!". Then suddenly, he was on the floor, hugging his turtle and whispering "I'm sorry, Ardo. I didn't mean to kill you."

Ummm... I'm concerned.
Can anyone recommend a good counselor?

This kid's imagination is one for the books.

Disclaimer: No real ninja turtles were harmed today. Ardo is now  just fine and sleeping with Uriah. Though, he's probably sleeping with one eye open if he's smart.