Rainbow Baby

It rained on my wedding day.

I remember freaking out because I had always heard the wives tale "each raindrop is a tear you'll cry in your marriage." It couldn't rain. We were happy! It didn't rain long, but I remember my sister-in-law, Marianne saying something beautiful to me that day. Something to the effects of "After the rain, there comes a rainbow. And that's a symbol of God's promise. What a beautiful way to start your marriage." 

She probably doesn't even remember saying that. But I do. 

It's been two years since we lost our second baby. 

Last year, I didn't even acknowledge it. I had just had Ezra, and I was so preoccupied (and thankful) that I just let it pass. I feel guilty for not thinking of that baby as often as I should. I didn't have long to grieve it, because I was pregnant with Ezra so soon after.  

Don't get me wrong, I cried. And cried. And prayed. And cried. 

But then I had Ez. 

This year, I'm not sure what's different. Maybe life is a little slower ( doesn't feel like it)  but the past week has been hard for me. Which is probably why I'm blogging. I don't know why, but it's therapeutic. Probably because I will write things that I would never say. 

I've been writing this blog in my head since July 2nd, not knowing whether or not the publish button would ever be hit.  July 2nd came and my heart hurt. That's the day we found out I was pregnant.  Tobi announced the next day on Twitter (it was his birthday he can do what he wants) so I followed him. Uriah's cute little shirt popped up on my TimeHop app on the 3rd. "I am batman. Sidekick coming in March."

That sidekick never came. 

I've been wondering lately who that baby would have been.  Was it my girl I so wanted? Would it have had red hair too? 

I don't think I ever let myself go there.  I never really "what if"ed when it happened.. Here I am "what if"ing two years later. 

I guess everyone is different. 

I believe in God's divine timing. Like I said, this week has been difficult for me. I'm missing the baby I only knew for a few weeks inside me.  But, because God is good, I found out this week, this very hard week, that the baby conceived after a loss is called a rainbow baby.. 

A symbol of a promise.

My sweet Ezra. 

A promise from the only one who can heal a hurting heart. 

I haven't forgotten you.

And He still hasn't.

I'll never know here why my baby was taken. But I know God is good. And I know He keeps His promises. 

My Ezra couldn't be a better fit for us. He's been smiling his entire life, and anyone who has been around him will tell you how sweet he is. He knows when to crawl up and melt into my chest with a sweet cuddle. His laugh is contagious. He is tough enough to survive having Uriah as a brother. He thinks he is big, but not too big to give kisses on demand. 

He is my rainbow baby. 

A gift from God.

And he is so loved.

It rained on our wedding day and it's rained in our marriage. It will rain more , I am sure of it. 

But when it rains, we will look for our rainbow. For our sign that God isn't finished. For a sign he hasn't forgotten us. We will cling to our hope.  Hope in a God who is a consuming fire. Hope in a God who chases after us. Hope in a God who catches us when we fall, who binds up our wounds and who loves us. 

And we will thank Him. For who He is, and for what He's done.